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New article: God Knows You Cheated

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God Knows You Cheated

Just about every paintballer has at one time has either seen someone cheat or cheated themselves, though I hope the reader may belong to the former group. During a day of playing at my local field, I was at first appalled to see other players cheating; however, over time, I have become accustomed to watch these fools continue to bend and often break rules in an attempt to satisfy their sickeningly egocentric selves. In addition, northeastern Ohio must be short on referees as evidenced by their astonishing slow speed to respond to a paint check if they ever decide to walk across the field.

Exhibit A: when playing on a small scenario field, I yelled for a paint check on a middle-aged man for well over a minute. I even specified that the mark was highly visible his mask. Normally I would've just ignored him and moved to another position, although I picked a really bad spot and he had me pinned down. Since the refs were nowhere to be seen, I thought that it might be possible to get him to call himself out. I shouted at him a few times, and, in order to get him to pay attention, came halfway out of my bunker and pointed at him with my right hand (I was firing lefty at this point in time). He took no heed to my yelling, and he continued to rain paint on my position until he tagged me on my third or forth frivolous attempt to get his attention. While walking off the field, which just so happened to take me right past him, I noticed that the mark was still there. I went up to him to tell him that he was eliminated. Of course, why would he listen to me? Finally, at my direction, a ref waddles over and calls him out.

Okay, so maybe I'm a little whiny. The guy was a jerk and wouldn't listen to me, which seem to be the norm, right? Yep. The people I was most annoyed with were the referees, or, more specifically, the three that were on the field that game. Where in the world were they? Well, they must just be lazy.

Or so I thought until I played the next outing. After about ten minutes elapsed in a game at the same scenario field, I was finally able to make a large move forward. The opposing team did not see this advance, and, thinking the coast was clear, one clown on the other team decides to run straight down the tape. Unknown to him, he ran past me on my left. Quickly noticing, I fire a line of paint directly in front of him, which he promptly ran straight through allowing me to watch three paintballs mark his left side – two on body and one on the leg. Like the cheater he was, he continued to run, but, unfortunate for him and to my great satisfaction, his Shocker stopped working before he was able to eliminate any of my teammates. Shortly afterwards, I was shot out. As if I was expecting someone to do something, just before exiting the field, I told a ref to watch the man with the Shocker that I had recently eliminated. He proceeded to explain that the paintballs probably bounced. Upon explaining that I had witnessed the paint break on him, he continued to say a quote that will live with me so long as I play paintball: “Sometimes the paint breaks, but doesn't leave a mark?” What!? Did I just hear him correct? I must've shot air-filled paintballs or something. I quickly left the field with the new knowledge that is it impossible to reason with this ref.

I have assimilated myself to live with others cheating a little, but when the referees are too stupid and lazy do anything about it, then I'm going to get cranky. From what I see, I'm paying these sloths to lounge on the field. Perhaps they are under the illusion that all players follow rules, although, with the state of paintball today, this is very far from the truth. And for all you conceited megalomaniacs out there who believe that wiping paint and playing after you have been hit takes nothing away from the game since the dawdling refs aren't going to catch you, there is at least one person who knows of your abhorring acts. That's right. At least God knows you cheated.

Marc Andrysco ( marc dot andrysco at gmail dot com )
July 19, 2006

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